So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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