my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
