I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
