Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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