Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's shark week go big or go home
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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