i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
