I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
