I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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