walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
