that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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