I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
