Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
