I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
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I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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