Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
