i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
