She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
