When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
did you just send me my own nude
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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