Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
