If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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