and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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