decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
