i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
