Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
