thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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