I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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