I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
