onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize