I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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