The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
