I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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