I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
