i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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