remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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