I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
