Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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