Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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