I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
