sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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