i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
