My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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