I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
