i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
