Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
