currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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