Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
