That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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