I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
