girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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