its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
