Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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