Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
