Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Randomize
