Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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