My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
