Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
