can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
