Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
