He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
