New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
