This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
